Saying “I love you” is nothing for you who are my entire soul;
I am the one who keeps repeating: “My being or lack there of, is dependent on you”
I don’t know why writing a lie is much harder than telling a lie.
To be honest, I am tired of saying: “Everything will turn out OK, everything is fine …” And even worse, I am afraid that you, like me are pretending that everything is fine and bearable…
This situation is worse than what they call a tragedy!
It is more difficult than being melancholy, missing our memorable days together and the ruin of the best days of our lives that are passing by so horrifically. It is even more tormenting than waiting for the approval of my execution and all my inner struggles, such as wondering what will happen eventually, will they approve my execution or not, and how much longer will I have to stay here???
It is harder than all my hopes and frustrations, and even more agonizing than having dreams of being free and with you when all of a sudden I wake up, still in prison and the same old worries start all over again!
More difficult and torturous than all of these is my damn conscience that keeps telling me I have been the cause of Nastaran and Rojan’s misery and vagrancy.
Thoughts of your misfortunes and your future lives….
When you are in love with someone you forget yourself. You constantly wish to do things to make her happy. You want to provide the best home, life and possibilities for her. Every penny you earn makes you happy because you think it will make her life more comfortable.
You prefer to bear pain but cause serenity and peace for her, endure cold but keep her warm. You feel good when she is happy. You smile when she smiles.
And god forbid if she doesn’t smile and if she is not happy…
These days more than anything I regret not having shown you how much I love you. I constantly wish we could go back to the past so that I could prove to you how I value you more than anyone in the world and I could tell you how much I love you. I wish for a chance to tell everyone my Nasatran is the best – better than anything imaginable – before it is too late. How sad that I didn’t realize how precious you were, that I didn’t and couldn’t tell you everything that was in my heart…
I hope that you forgive me and realize that I tried my best to return and make things up to you. I hope you understand how sad and ashamed I am for the difficult conditions you are in, and I hope you believe that I have not committed any crime that deserves so much torture and such cruel sentences. I apologize as when I started writing, I meant to say things to make you feel better! However, I did exactly the opposite. It may be better not to say anything except: you are my entire life and hope, and your happiness is the only thing that makes me happy!!
International Committee Against Execution